Fantasmagoria
by Audacity and Chibizoo
Summary: Why question insanity when you can, instead, embrace it? A co-authored attempt at explaining Yu-gi-oh in the sterotypical Good versus Evil style. Or perhaps not...
1. Default Chapter

Author's notes:  
  
Standard Disclaimer: Audacity and Zoo do not own Yu-gi-oh!  
  
For those who do not know who we are, this is Audacity and Chibizoo, ready to   
attempt a fanfic together. It will be in the standard one-author-does-a-subsequent-  
chapter format, so be on the lookout for sudden changes in writing style and the such.   
Having said that much, onto the fic!   
  
Zoo: ^_^V I'll start off this fic this time, so enjoy!  
  
WARNING: Do not try reading this fic with the thought of 'canon' or 'plot' in your   
mind. Your brain will shut down on you.   
  
**************************************  
  
Chapter 1: Tangent  
  
  
"And ye shall be Evil."  
  
The figure being talked to shook his white-haired head in confusion. "But I'm   
not evil." He protested in a soft rebuke. "I-I don't want to be Evil."  
  
The God, the source of all things Good and Evil, the Creator, sighed. "You   
don't get it do you?"  
  
Said white-haired figure shook his head meekly. "Uhmm… no?"  
  
"Thought so." Having concluded that much, the Creator brought his palm to   
his forehead, rubbing it up in down in a sign of exasperation. Since he was _the_   
Creator, this gesture was considered symbolic. "Have you ever tried being Evil?"  
  
Another shake of the head. "Not exactly."  
  
"A ha!" The balding Creator stood up in triumph. "Then why wouldn't you   
want to be? It's the perfect idea! You, the seemingly innocent person, is actually an   
evil sadistic maniac who plans to take over the world!" The Creator spent a few   
moments revelling in his absolute genius.   
  
The white-haired figure sweatdropped. "But," he began, only to be cut off by   
the omniscient Creator once more.   
  
"In times of celebration, you need to enjoy yourself," the Creator began, "You   
know, smile a bit more." He thought for a moment. "Well, actually, you need a   
name."  
  
The nameless character was past the point of protesting and simply nodded.   
  
"Okay." The Creator eagerly rubbed his hands together. This again was very   
symbolic. "I shall call you Ryou."  
  
"Ryou." the figure repeated, closing his eyes to say the name over a few   
times. "I like that name."  
  
The Creator, referred to by greater deities as Kazuki Takahashi, nodded. "Yes,   
it was the name of my pet hamster." He suddenly began to bawl, tears spilling on the   
clean white sheets of paper he was talking to. "My poor Ryou! It was tragic how he   
died! I cried for days!"  
  
If the white-haired figure could sweatdrop any more, his hair would be limp.   
"Uh… I'm sorry?" he began, trying to sympathize.   
  
Kazuki then sat straight up again. "Then it's done! You're name is Ryou   
Bakura and you are Evil!"  
  
"But I can't be Evil!" Ryou argued, "I don't want people to hate me!"  
  
"Oi," The Creator rolled his eyes, "What it with this goodness stuff? I assure   
you that Good is highly overrated."  
  
"But-"  
  
"Fine!" Kazuki Takahashi crossed his arms irately. "You can have an 'evil   
spirit' living inside you, okay? Then, people will hate the spirit and love you!   
Happy?"  
  
Ryou thought of it for a moment. He then thought of the implications.   
"Uhm… if you have an evil spirit that no one knows of, then aren't you going to be   
considered Evil anyway?"  
  
"I'm working on it." The Creator grunted. He paused, scribbling down a few   
notes in the margin below Ryou's image. "Okay. I'll make you have a magic charm of   
some sort. Lessee… ah ha! A Millennium Item!" There was a pause as Kazuki   
cherished his name-creating genius. "You will have a Millennium Item that houses   
and evil spirit!"  
  
Ryou was still dubious. "Aren't you trying to talk about a Trading Card   
Game?"   
  
The omniscient Creator's eyes glinted with ambition. "Watch me."  
  
*******************************************  
  
Ryou was having a bad day. Correction: his currently wonderful day was   
being spoiled by bad events.  
  
First, he had woken up late. Second, he had missed his bus. And third, his   
Yami was yelling at him yet again.   
  
The Yami, also known as Ryou's "spirit within the Millennium Ring", was   
currently spending a great amount of time complaining. Ryou wasn't exactly sure   
where the other got his complaints, since the Yami spent most of his time inside his   
mind (termed for convenient purposes a 'Soul Room'); but nevertheless, the other had   
a _lot_ to complain about.   
  
//And what do I hear when I wake up?// Ryou's Yami, Yami Bakura, ranted.   
//You, screaming "I'm late" at the top of your lungs. As if I didn't have enough   
problems sleeping already.//  
  
Ryou briefly wondered if Yamis even slept. Well, now he knew. He then   
briefly wondered why he even wondered that, only to wonder why he wondered why   
he wondered why… and so on.   
  
/Yami?/ Ryou began, addressing the other spirit. He waited until his Yami had   
hushed somewhat. /Do you enjoy being evil?/  
  
Yami Bakura snorted. //Do you enjoy being good?// he retorted.   
  
/Yes and no./ The white-haired boy replied truthfully. /You can try your   
hardest to be the nicest, sweetest, kindest person there is, but you will always make a   
mistake./  
  
The Yami snickered. //Whoever said that mistakes were Evil? Maybe,   
mistakes are Good and the so-called righteous things are Evil.//  
  
Ryou spluttered. /That doesn't work at all! I mean, what about Love and   
Justice and Truth?/  
  
There was a long pause.   
  
//Ryou?// Yami Bakura began, very slowly and morbidly. //I think you have   
been duped.//  
  
/What do you mean?/ Ryou was taken aback by his Yami's statement. It   
couldn't be- there was no way-  
  
//Yes.// The Yami stated in all seriousness. //There is no such thing as Good.//  
  
Though Ryou said nothing, one could almost hear the "Nooooooo!" plus the   
shattering of glass in the background.   
  
//I haven't finished yet!// Yami Bakura glared, though it remained a wonder   
how a disembodied voice could glare. //There isn't such a thing as Evil either. They   
were just words to convert us into mindless animated idiots.//  
  
Ryou debated on stating the obvious. It was a pretty hard struggle. /I see./ He   
began, /Then what is there?/  
  
Here, the Yami smirked. //Well, for starters, there is you, and there is me…//  
  
*****************************************  
Yuugi was having a good day. That means, that nothing termed 'bad' or   
'harmful' or 'malicious' had happened to him yet.   
  
The short spiky-haired protagonist walked down the streets, humming an   
abstract tune to himself. It could have been the ABC's or "Twinkle Twinkle Little   
Star" or "Baa Baa Black Sheep", but since his mind was closed from probing, the   
tune will remain nameless and abstract.   
  
A sudden blur sped across Yuugi's vision, coming to an abrupt halt right in   
from of him.   
  
"Yuugi!" The once-blur panted, white hair slightly frazzled.   
"IthinkI'mgoingcrazybecauseIjustdiscoveredthatthereisnosuchthingasGoodorEvil!"  
  
Yuugi blinked for a second. He then paused, digesting the sentence. "Oh!" he   
finally stated brightly. Another pause. "Again?"  
  
Ryou nodded numbly. "I can't take this anymore! I mean, I see you, and   
you're so… so Good! You make Good good for heaven's sake!"  
  
Somehow, Yuugi saw the capitalization in the first Good, not the second. "But   
I'm not Good." He began slowly. "I'm Yuugi."  
  
"Yeah, but you are a Good person!"  
  
"And so are you." Yuugi nodded. He then began moving around Ryou. "Good   
bye."  
  
"No! Wait!" Ryou lunged towards the smaller boy, tackling him. Both figures   
tumbled onto the ground, ending up in a very compromising position. That is to say,   
Yuugi was lying on the cemented ground, and Ryou was lying on top of him.   
  
And it happened to be just then that Jounochi popped around the corner.   
Naturally, when the blonde saw Ryou and Yuugi, he wasn't too pleased. It was   
probably because he had a major crush on Yuugi. The blonde immediately sped   
towards the site in an enraged snarl, pulling Ryou off Yuugi and grabbing the white-  
haired boy by the shirt.   
  
"How _dare_ you!" Jounochi frothed, shaking Ryou a few times for the added   
effort. "How dare you prey on such innocent, unsuspecting people! I've had enough   
of your evil ways, Yami Bakura!" Having said that, the blonde-haired youth grabbed   
Ryou's Millennium Ring and tossed it onto the ground.   
  
Ryou blinked. "Uhmm…" He meekly began. "I-I did-"  
  
"-It's okay Ryou." Jounochi sympathized. "I understand your 'situation'." The   
blonde then winked at Ryou before pulling Yuugi off and leaving with the short boy.   
  
Ryou blinked again. He then picked up the Ring, hoping that Yami Bakura   
wouldn't be too pissed off with being thrown around like that.   
  
  
***************************************  
  
The doorbell rang.   
  
Malik ignored the sound. His fingers were currently stuck knitting the next   
loop, and he didn't want to loose his concentration.   
  
The doorbell rang again.   
  
The Egyptian's fingers slipped. "Crap!" Malik then glared angrily at the door.   
"You better make it quick!"  
  
Naturally, Malik kept his door unlocked. It was just a Malik thing to do. The   
door creaked slightly before opening enough to reveal the figure of a soaked white-  
haired boy.   
  
"Sorry." Ryou apologized, wet hair creating a miniature puddle around him.   
"D-did I interrupt you at a bad time?"  
  
Since it was Ryou, and Malik didn't mind Ryou's company, the Egyptian bit   
his tongue from stating the obvious. "No. Come on in." He then did a double take on   
Ryou's bedraggled state. "Actually, don't come in. I'll get a towel."  
  
The white-haired boy nodded, watching Malik run upstairs. He continued to   
stare in this position until the Egyptian came back downstairs with a purple towel.   
  
"Oh thanks." Ryou muttered absently, drying himself with the towel. "The   
weather's just been crazy today."  
  
"You like it?" Malik beamed, "I made it myself."  
  
"The weather?!?"  
  
The Egyptian facefaulted. "I'm talking about the towel!"  
  
"Oh!" Ryou glanced at the towel. It had a big smiley face on it. Underneath it   
were written the words 'I'm happy in my Reality so ha ha ha'. "Yeah. It's very nice."   
the white haired-boy replied absently, "Anyway, I came here to ask you a question."  
  
"Okay." Malik crossed his arms. "If this is about my gender preferences, I   
assure you that I am very strait."  
  
"You spelt 'straight' wrong." Ryou informed, "But no, it's not about that. I-"  
  
"-Wait!" Malik interrupted. "It's not about the sleepover incident at the gay   
bar, is it? Well, I didn't do it! It was my, uhm, Yami! Really!"  
  
"… No." Ryou was getting slightly disturbed now. However, he refused to let   
that stop him. "I just wanted to-"  
  
"-And no, I am not gay!" Malik stated loudly. "I do not find hot men   
attractive." The Egyptian then noticed his own error. "Oops! I mean, I-"  
  
"-Will you please listen to me?" Ryou shouted, now sick of getting   
interrupted. "I wanted to ask you if you were Evil for heaven's sake!"  
  
The blonde Egyptian stopped blabbering aimlessly. He then stared at Ryou as   
if the other had sprouted an extra arm. "Evil? I'm Evil now?"  
  
"Then, you're Good?" Ryou ventured, not quite understanding what Malik   
was getting at.  
  
Malik shuddered. "No. Hell, no. But that doesn't make me Evil either."  
  
"So, it's true then." Ryou concluded with a sinking heart. "There is no such   
thing as Good or Evil."  
  
"Well, it depends." Upon seeing Ryou's blank look, Malik elaborated. "You   
see, we each have our own beliefs. For instance, I can believe that God exists, and you   
can believe in Buddha. Now, if we took this one step further, and said that I can only   
believe in things I want to believe in, then, I have constructed by own Reality. Think   
of it as seeing things only the way you want to see them."  
  
The white-haired boy stared at Malik blankly. He continued to stare until the   
blonde Egyptian scowled.   
  
"You know," Ryou began, "You're a lot smarter than I would give you credit   
for."  
  
Malik raised an eyebrow. "What made me stupid in the first place?"  
  
"I dunno," Ryou shrugged. "I just assumed that all Evil people were wrong,   
and therefore stupid."  
  
"Well, in my Reality, I am very smart, so there's nothing you can do to change   
it." Malik smiled. He then thought for a moment before adding in "Ha ha ha" for the   
sake of it.  
  
Ryou sighed, rubbing his temples. "Let me get this straight. Good and Evil   
only exist in people's Realities?"  
  
"In your Reality, maybe, but not mine!" Malik crowed gleefully. "I have   
decided that I am now a purple cow."  
  
Much to Ryou's embarrassment, the blonde Egyptian began running around   
the room screaming "Purple Cow!" at the top of his lungs. The white-haired youth   
decided that it was a good time to leave. Well, maybe an evil time. He really didn't   
know now.   
  
One of these days, he would have to boycott the Bible.  
  
*****************************  
  
End notes:  
  
Ah hah... I have none. *thud*  
  
TBC, in some random way... 


	2. Anything Goes

_Notes: Sorry, I haven't posted for a long time. I got busy, then I forgot, then I got busy, then I forgot and I will probably forget to post this for another ten years, by which point Zoo will have given up on me. Oh well. Bon appetite and enjoy_

__

__

Kaiba saw the purple cow and so he rode it through sweet pastures, dense forests and hazy meadows. He stopped at sticky streams and drank from them and then rode again. He stopped when he heard Malek mumbling. 

"Isis!" he cried, "Isis!" 

"What," Kaiba yelled, "You mean while you're sleeping with me you're fantasizing about your sister! That's incest you evil sicko. Get help while you still can!" 

Malek looked shocked, 

"I'm sorry Kaiba," he said, "but I can't help the way I am." 

"Yes you can," said Kaiba, putting his clothes on. "You can't choose your desires, but you choose to act on them. " 

Suddenly, Seto Kaiba's mother, father and brother burst into the room. 

" We just knew it!" they yelled. "You have denied you're homosexuality for long enough, and now we have caught you in the act. Don't you know that homosexuality brands you an evil sicko?" 

"I'm sorry," said Kaiba, "But I' can't help the way I am." 

"Yes you can," said his mother, "Or at least you can chose how you act on it." 

More so," said his father, "there is an organization down the street that can help you."*********************************************************************************************************************************************************** 

".....We're the multidisciplinary ten step program, anythingaholics anonymous. We aim to end every last undesirable deviation in society. Like Ito here. After arriving, he discovered that he drinks too much coffee. But we've helped him. Now he is on step three: "just stop freaking doing whatever you're here to stop freaking doing," and soon will move to step four: "Stop praying to God to help you, because he ain't helping you anyway." Through this ten step program you can solve problems you never even knew you had." 

Seto Kaiba looked around. Across the room, he saw Malek with Isis in his lap reading a book entitled "Beating Oepedius: How to End Those Incestuous Urges." Clearly they were only on step one. He also saw Ryou next to him, talking to an incredibly wealthy psychologist who specialized in multiple personalities. He had always wanted to tell his patients to get lost and just enjoy life, but his third self wouldn't let him. 

Finally Kaiba saw Yuugi across the room chatting up a really pretty girl. 

"Grr," thought Kaiba and decided that as soon as he overcame his homosexuality, he would marry her, even if it meant killing Yuugi. Especially if it meant killing Yuugi. He licked his lips sadistically. 

The guide continued, 

"One thing you need to be careful about is picking up new vices. You will be surrounded by people who are affected by all sorts of evil. You can't let yourself be influenced. Once we had a girl who can here to stop smoking, but then started biting her nails. Horrific! Don't let it happen to you." 

Kaiba looked around anxiously. 

"Hey," he said, "do you think you could tell me the ten steps?" 

The guide handed Kaiba a pamphlet. This is what it said. 

_Anythingaholics Anonymous_

__

_"Saving the World from Evil, One Victim at a Time"_

__

_The 10 Steps_

__

_1) Admit that you have a problem. If you can't think of a problem, one of our issue consultants can help find one for you so that you can enjoy our wonderful services. Then, you can use our admitting machine, to spare you the pain of doing it yourself._

__

_2) Curse God for giving you this problem. I mean, he wanted a perfect world, so why didn't he create it? QED_

__

_3) Stop freaking doing whatever your here to stop freaking doing (If you wish to get over you affliction quickly, just start and end at this step)_

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_4) Stop praying to God to help you, because he ain't helping you anyway_

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_5) Ask your family and friend for support in overcoming your habit (available at a nominal fee if you do not have your own)_

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_6) Run around and buck like a chicken (assistance available)_

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_7) Evaluate your success with the _Anythingaholics Success Tester 

_8) Share your success with friends and family who also could use the services of Anythingaholics anonymous_

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_9) Pay your bill._

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_10) Find a new evil you need to rid yourself of_

Kaiba looked up. 

"Are you sure this will work?" 

"Positive." said that guide, "One hundred and fifty percent guaranteed!" 

************************************************************************************************************************************************************ 

Kaiba walked over to Yuugi and his girl. She was tall and slightly plump, but had beautiful long curly black hair. Her eyes shone like diamonds. 

"Who's this?" he asked nonchalantly. 

"Cazue. She's here because her skirts are too short among other things." Yuugi tousled her skirt and she smiled. 

"Can't she just buy new skirts?" Kaiba retorted. 

"Supposedly this works better." 

Suddenly an awed expression appeared on the girl's face. 

"Seto Kaiba!" she yelled, "I have read all about you. You run one of the most profitable multinational corporations. Was that you on the cover of FORTUNE magazine?" 

Kaiba nodded numbly. 

"Then tell me about your profit algorithms. I didn't understand the graph. They said profit, but I think they meant marginal profit. In fact I'm sure." 

Kaiba nodded again, 

"They screw stuff up sometimes," he said solemnly. 

"And you developed that new super computer that works on natural logs instead of common logs, is that right?" 

Suddenly, it dawned on Kaiba. Cazue was _intelligent_. He looked at Yuugi and Yuugi looked at him. Already, he was taking his hands off the girl's waist. They saw a hallway and darted down it. 

And they screamed and they screamed and they screamed. 


End file.
